So after weeks of waiting, nail biting and displacing your frustration on your parents, the ISI representative calls to congratulate you on clearing their background, psychological and fitness tests. You’re all ready to serve your country, like bitchin James Bond without the haircut. Just one teensy snag though. For your 1st assignment, they want you undercover as a typical driver and gather intel. Now you might be thinking, ‘driving some fat fatty around for a couple of weeks can’t be that bad’, but you’re wrong there. The ISI expects you to behave like the typical driver and not someone with the ability to think.

Luckily, there are just ten behaviors you need to practice at least once a day to maintain your cover; aside from shutting off your brain:

1. If your employer pays you more than what the other drivers get, blow the excess on drugs. If you get less than the others, take days off claiming deaths in the family. They expect you to kill off the same cousin at least 4 times in one year. The real reason drivers do this, is poor financial literacy (for the former) and selective Islam (for the latter).

2. Never ever shower. The car is not yours hence its not your problem. If the employer doesn’t like it, blame the government. YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE FRIENDS BY BLAMING THE GOVERNMENT FOR ANYTHING. Claim the water being supplied in your territory makes the other residents sick. The real reason drivers do this, is lethargy.

3. Lose all civility of patience, the horn on the steering wheel is the car’s windpipe. Make your presence known to everyone. The real reason drivers do this, is to compensate for how small they really are.

4. Red lights are the governments way of challenging your nerve, break them often no matter how many civilized motorists have stopped for it. You are superior to them. Same reason as #3.

5. If someone cuts you off, use every ‘son-of-a’ abuse you know. Drivers are convinced that the passenger must know how macho they are. Yes reason #3.

6. Use religion when its convenient. You see you can not shower, abuse everyone, break laws, lie, be discourteous all day, but when it comes down to getting your way, brush up on religious phrases. Drivers do this because hard work is haram for them.

7. Convince yourself that everyone is racing against you. Drivers do this, to make up for being failures by winning small insignificant races against people who come to hate them.

8. Assume the car is yours but reject this assumption if you crash it. When you know the passenger will not be coming back for over an hour, drive your heart out, pick up random strangers, let them sleep in for a price and hey, go to the beach while you’re at it. But if you crash the car – your fault or not – deny all evidence to the former behavior. I don’t know why drivers do this, but the best guess is stupidity.

9. When filling the car with fuel, step out and stare at the pump assistant because he will steal from your employer regardless of the fact that the screen showing the amount can be clearly seen from the car and side view mirrors catch the process in plain view. Drivers do this because the side view mirrors are (according to them) a decoration piece.

10. Always show up at least one to two hours late. Bus strikes, mugging en route, water outages, load shedding, district violence are just some of the many gems of excuses for this behavior. Sometimes these reasons are genuine, but when it happens that often and with no originality, one questions harder.

Then again, you could ignore all these points and be the best driver ever, make the employer really like you, have him/her open up and share information you innocently ask for and when the call comes, stab him in the heart.